


I Was Born a Unicorn

by JDs Graveyard (joaniedark)



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Adultery, Drinking, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Religion, Slow Build, Threesomes, Triads, mmf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joaniedark/pseuds/JDs%20Graveyard
Summary: The Christiansens looked so perfect with their beautifully maintained nautical house and Stepford children, but it didn't take much digging to find that a troubled relationship laced with infidelity that lay underneath.This was not a problem for the new single father who moved into the cul de sac this side of Maple Bay. No, this was an opportunity.





	I Was Born a Unicorn

Homer trotted along the street, looking around in a manner that might have seemed a little unnerving to someone passing by. To be perfectly honest, he had no idea where he was off to that night; having just told his daughter he was watching The Game. What game? Where? Who knew. He had never actually been the sportiest person, aside from a ill thought out venture into intramural dodgeball when he was in college. All he really knew of Sportsball was the post-game drinking, which he supposed he'd be mirroring in whatever sports bar he managed to come across.

  
Ah, there. Perfect. Jim and Kim's. That was something.

The inside was about as interesting of a place as he was assuming it would be from the outside. Generic was good, though. Generic was easy to fit in with. The lack of brands he drank was a bit of a disappointment, but after a short interaction with the bartender who was decidedly not the bar's namesake, he was happily sipping his cheap Anheuser Busch swill. The game was indeed being broadcast across the bar, and he did see a team he vaguely remembered as the colors of his hometown. Great. That's who he was for, then. His mind was honestly more hung up on who the hell Jim and Kim were, anyway. Former lovers? Someone from television he was too old (or young) to reference? Who knew.

While he was gazing somewhat absently at the FootBasketBaseSoccer game on television, Homer almost didn't notice the tall brunette woman sliding onto the stool next to him at the bar. She took a long sip of her wine, finishing it off with a soft sigh that caught his attention.

"Hey, sailor," she said, deep brown lips curling into a smile.

"Oh, hello."

"Good to see fresh meat in here." The woman placed her empty glass down on the counter, then turned her torso towards her new prospect. "I’m Mary. Come here often?"

"Oh, no, I actually just moved to this part of town today." Homer smiled, looking her over. The jumper and skirt combination would have leaned to the frumpy side, but she was definitely pulling the look off. "I’m Homer, by the way."

"Are you watching the game?" she asked.

"Yeah! My preferred team is in the lead. If they keep this up, they’ll win The Game with ease," Homer said with sarcastic bravado, making Mary giggle.

"Oh, I love that team. And also I love that Game. I love someone who knows their way around balls." Homer snorted at her drunken joke. He froze when he suddenly felt her hand on his arm.

"Buy a gal a drink?"

"My dear, it'd be dreadfully rude not to." Homer signaled to Neil for another glass of wine, getting a bit of a smirk in return from the bartender. It seemed pretty obvious that he had seen her pickup game a few too many times before. Who knew, maybe he helped from time to time. 

Could be a fun romp.

Before Homer could continue down the line of thought, Mary had turned back to him. She gently tipped her glass in his direction.

"Suppose I gotta keep you company now."

"That's the general cost of a glass of wine, maybe a couple minutes." Mary shook her head, rolling her eyes slightly.

"So, what do you want to know?" She sipped her wine slowly, attempting not to choke on her drink as Homer made stupid thinking faces.

"Hm, hm, hmmmm...What’s the latest gossip around here?" he asked, and Mary's eyes went bright.

"You came to the right broad. I’m an observer. I watch people. I see everything, know everyone. Nothing gets past me." She looked proud for a moment, then upset, and almost a bit wistful; emotions passing a bit too fast for her drinking companion to quite put together.

"So…"

"So what?"

"I thought you were gonna…"

"I forgot what we were talking about."

"About the gossip? You said nothing gets past you?" Homer wiggled his brows, and Mary hummed in acknowledgement. 

"Oh right, I’m also a steel trap. Confidential to a fault." She stuck her tongue out slightly, biting it, before taking another sip of wine. Damn, that thing was going fast.

"… So what else can you tell me about this part of town?"

"It’s quiet, that’s for sure. If you want an idyllic little life with white picket fences, this is the place to do it. But every town has its secrets, you know." She sipped her drink, letting Homer wallow in the ominous tone for a moment. Finally, she leaned into him.

"Would you like to learn some of my secrets?" she asked, her voice low and husky. A bright grin blossomed across Homer's face.

"I would love some of your secrets, Miss Contrary." Homer tried to lean in to meet her lips with his, but she bolted upright suddenly.

"I...hoo. That almost happened." Mary slid off of the bar stool, her face suddenly bright red. Her free, wineless left hand instantly popped up to the cross around her neck, and it was then that Homer noticed a gold band on her ring finger. 

"Game got a little too intense?" a smooth voice came from over Homer's shoulder. He glanced over to see the rough man he had seen earlier in the day in the cafe walk over to Mary. She laughed a little nervously.

"Yeah, got a little close to scoring a point on that one." She glanced over at Homer, who was looking at the two of them rather coolly. "Heh...sorry kid. I'll admit, you're a little too handsome, if a bit of a nerd. It would be dangerous bending the sanctity of marriage around you."

"I understand," Homer said with a shrug. "Should I leave you and your husband to talking things out, then?" 

The two people looked quizzically at Homer and each other before the realization spread over their faces. They both struggled to hold back peals of laughter.

"Oh my god. Me? Her husband?"

"Jesus, kid, you couldn't have it more wrong. No, no. This is Robert, one of my two best friends in this shitstain of a town. Rob, this is Hornell."

"Homer."

"Right, right." He could see her wrinkling her lip slightly.

"Yeah, not exactly the best name on earth. Honestly not sure if the Simpsons jokes were worse, or the ones questioning how much I was getting laid."

Robert grinned. "So did you live up to the rumors?"

"Maybe if more guys in college sounded like Youtube celebrities, I'd have been looser." He leaned in towards Robert, who just looked mildly confused.

"Hn?"

"Don't worry about it. Y'all come here often? Seems the company in this joint could be well worth my while."

"Smooth," Mary chuckled, and Homer tipped his glass. "Pretty much on a nightly basis. You'd be surprised how little else there is for a bored housewife to do around here. It may not exactly be a Real Housewives dreamscape, but it's something to pass the time."

Robert smacked her arm.

"...And it's not bad getting to hang out with this jerk, either."

"Better. I was about to tell you to pay my tab next time we went bar hopping."

"So cruel." Mary glanced over to Homer. "You actually want to skip out of this beautiful slum we call home?"

"What's life without a little adventure?" Homer asked, placing his half-drank pint on the bar and tossing his jacket back on. His two new drinking companions grinned.

"Well, let's get going. There's a few glasses of whiskey with our names on 'em."

**Author's Note:**

> Using "Homer" as a name is kinda...weird, but I figured it'd be better than just shoving my Dadsona Ezekiel into a story for The People to enjoy.  
>   
> He's pretty good looking, though.
> 
>  
> 
> I would've liked this chapter to be longer, and less just canon-game dialogue, but I wanted to get something _out_ dammit. Gotta get my head back in the fic game.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, if anyone wanted the song that I stole my title from, [here you go.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qutcmPmYUpg)


End file.
